The only thing I know

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Why is life so difficult to manage? And why am I doing such a poor job of it?

Workout and eat right to stay in good physical shape. Read all the things to keep the mind sharp. Go to church, pray, and meditate for spiritual health and balance. Manage dr appointments, eye exams, dental cleanings, annual mammograms and physicals. What do you mean I’m supposed to have had a colonoscopy already?!

Why is there so much to manage and juggle?Regular home maintenance (overwhelming!). Constant repairs. Yard work. Housework.

And WHY is there so much LAUNDRY?! I mean, it’s just me. I’m only trying to keep up with myself. There are no kids to chase after (and keep alive 24 hours a day. Every. Single. Day. !)

Some days it just feels like it’s all too much.

From time to time I’ll have someone say to me “It just seems like you’ve got it all figured out.”

Ummm. What? Are you kidding? I’m a walking trainwreck.

Well, ok. Maybe not quite that bad. But – most days I feel pretty clueless. Like a child who’s been released in the wild and left to her own devices. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I haven’t figured Anything out.

Except this one thing:

I know that every single morning I have to make a decision to get out of bed. I have to make a choice to either make it a good day or just count it as a day lost. I have to choose to live in gratitude and seek out joy or steep myself in self-pity and feed my bad attitude. It is a choice. Every day.

Some days I choose well. Some days I pull the covers over my head and vow to try again tomorrow. But I know- as long as I’m here, it is MY choice to make.

I hope most days you are able to choose well for yourself. And on the days you are unable to, I hope you make a promise to yourself to try again tomorrow.

2023 Focus Word

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With 2022 drawing to an end, I’ve been spending some quiet time reflecting on what has passed and thinking on the possibilities that the dawning of a new year may bring.

This has been a good year for me. I’ve made new friends, traveled to new places, and dived head-first into new experiences. My friends and I wrote, performed, and recorded a full soundtrack for a movie. I began performing spoken word pieces at Ignite the Mic each month. Participated at poetry readings. Had a few poems published. Performed with community theater for the first time. Made new friends along the way. Continued writing. Traveled with friends to Charleston for a 10k (which I thought I would never be able to do again since having neck and back surgery). Traveled to Montana for a beautiful wedding. Hiked in the mountains. Was accepted into a writing program in Vermont and spent 10 action-packed days learning. Continued to write. Learned more about myself. Healed a little more from things I still can’t talk about. Felt love. Gave love. Lost loved ones. Said “goodbye.” Continued to write.

And now, I’m looking toward the future. Wondering what fresh blessings and new hells may await me. Steeling myself for potential new hurts. Steadying my anticipation for new opportunities. Whatever is on the other side of tomorrow, I’m ready,

My focus word for 2023 is OPEN.

As in – opening myself up to new things. New experiences. New people. New places. New perspectives. New possibilities.

As in opening myself to vulnerability. To truth. To needs and wants. To love. To connection. To messiness. To humanity in its fullness.

As in opening my mouth and using my voice. To articulate what I want. To speak of what is not right. To inspire. To encourage. To embolden and uplift.

As in opening my eyes to see. The reality of what’s before me. As well as the possibilities of what can be.

As in opening myself to the universe. To the slipstream. To the energy that nourishes and connects us.

As in opening myself as a vessel to God. To be the hands and feet of compassion.

As in opening myself to Life.

Happy New Year, Friends! May we survive the dangers and disappointments that threaten to destroy us. May we find peace and purpose in the joys that sustain us.