I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, pushing myself to stretch my creative muscle and continue to learn. That’s nothing new (not really). It feels like my life has been in flux for the past 6 years, shifting from one life-altering upheaval to the next.
This evolution is self-inflicted, though. I’ve found myself feeling stagnant and needing to be jolted out of my near zombie state.
I’ve thought about embarking on this new path for a while, and with the help and push from just the right people- here it is. My first poem video.
If you spend the 2 minutes watching it, I would appreciate any feedback, reactions, or suggestions you may have.
Here, poetry and art collide; and, more than anything, I hope it inspires you to keep (or start) creating.
It still takes my breath away. Realizing there never will be any new pictures. After I’ve recycled all the best and my favorite photos of us, of you… there will be no others.
No new memories to be made. No more laughter at silly mistakes. No more time to get things right. No more chances at a marathon. No new medals or PR bells.
The rush of anger that overtakes me— still, after 4 years— of letting go of everything we had and all that we wanted. It surprises me even now.
I have work to do. Some that I’ve tackled. Some that I’ve used simply to keep me busy and preoccupied. Some that I continue to avoid. Mainly because I fear what it will cost me in the doing.
Because I am afraid.
Of feeling too much.
Of feeling not enough.
Of forgetting.
Mostly— I am afraid of forgetting.
Happiness no longer shames me. But, if I am smiling in the now, will I still be able to hold your face in my mind? Will I still hear the echo of your laughter when I close my eyes? Will my stubborn determination to see the light of each new day still allow a space for you?
I believe it does.
Because even 2,103,840 minutes have not dulled the sharp edge of your loss. Fourteen hundred sixty-one days without you have not lessened the love you left behind.
Cloudless October sky, so much like the day you left. I wrap its beauty around me as grief twists and knots within me, and I acknowledge that I am capable of holding both simultaneously.
It is the complexity of our uniquely human experience. And I do not want to miss out on any part of it.
Friends in the Central Louisiana area, look for upcoming announcements on availability at local retail locations.
Thank you to everyone who has already ordered! “Pretty Little Widow” is currently at number 10 on the Amazon New Releases in Poetry by Women list!!! Thank YOU!
This project has been one more step in my journey through grief. I am grateful for the friends that have traveled with me and the lessons of love I am learning on the way.
If you follow my social media, you will have heard by now that my first book is nearing it’s official release date. This collection of poems has been a labor of love over the past (nearly) 4 years, and I am excited to share it with the world.
When imagining the look and feel of a physical book I could hold in my hands, I struggled to visualize the cover. I wanted something that would capture the emotional chaos that grief brings and yet something that was beautiful and rich in color. For months I considered various options, only to discard each in frustration. It was like trying to find the right outfit for that big, important occasion. This dress fit just right but was the wrong color. That suit was the perfect color but was unflattering when tried on. And so on…
Until finally it dawned on me. The answer was hanging right in front of me all along!
“Windward” by Amber Voorhies
The very first time I saw this painting by my friend Amber Voorhies, I felt an instant connection to it. It was like she had gotten into my head and painted my emotions. Deep and dark, roiling – moving into light, airy hope. I asked her about it several times over the course of a few months, until finally, when I could not stop thinking about it, I bought it and brought it home with me.
It hangs on the main wall in my bedroom where I can see it when I wake up each morning.
It is a special thing when one form of creativity sparks another form and inspires another to create. I am grateful to the makers and creators in my life. They keep me inspired and encourage me to keep reaching for more.
Amber is a talented artist. I encourage you to visit her website. You may find something there that ignites a spark with in you.
Shelley Jinks Johnson 